Ordinary Eve
Christian Dating Re-writing the Rules
Most of us, if we haven’t already found them, are searching for that person aren’t we? We love the fringe benefits of being single but somehow know that having lots of friends and freedom is not enough. We want a soul-mate, one person to love us exclusively, to need us, and on whom we can lavish our love in return.
The problem is that you may have exhausted your friends at Church or in your social groups and find it hard to meet Christian men in an increasingly secular society.
Getting out there
I’ve been on the quest for a Christian man for some time and know that I’m not alone. The first thing I tried was placing an ad in my local paper, asking to meet Christian guys. This resulted in a plethora of potential dates, some nice, some not, but the real result was that it got me over my major hurdle – that of putting myself ‘out there’.
Once I had realised that I was not sad and desperate but merely joining the WLTM fraternity I was away! The next attempt was the Christian internet dating sites. I have emailed and met up with some wonderful men through this medium. It’s a great way to be more specific about who you are and what you are looking for. You can sift through the profiles (and photos) of dozens of potential husbands and you can find out more about each other before taking it anywhere.
For me, the bad dates have been the exception (like the one who, on our second date, asked if he could hold my hand!) and I do have friends who met this way and lived happily ever after.
Get a road map
But perhaps before embarking on the quest we should think about what we are really looking for. I thought I should read a secular dating book - you know one of those rules books for girls - just to find out where I had been going wrong all these years. Although it gave me some invaluable tips such as “never allow a drunk guy to light a cigarette for you - he could set fire to your eyebrows”, it actually filled me with dread. Some of these books are pretty agressive, a little manipulative (?) and can end up making you feel even more of a wierdo than perhaps you already felt. In short, the ethos behind “how to play and win the game of love” is a bit worrying, but it’s something we have been taught to buy into, even as Christians.
The Rules
At the same time I started reading ‘Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments’, written by a Jewish rabbi. You're probably thinking ‘eh?’, but I would recommend it because it has given me a whole new perspective on dating and marriage!
So here’s the patented Ordinary Eve version of The Rules:
Courtship – the fun bit . Don’t miss out on it by volunteering to have his babies on the 3rd date or getting engaged by week 2. As the Groslch advert says -‘some things can’t be rushed’.Sex should be end destination of the journey not something you jump off for at the first stop. Whatever happened to being woo-ed and maintaining your mystique (and self-respect)? If you become physically intimate before establishing that emotional and spiritual intimacy it creates hurts and problems in the relationship. So forget the pulling pants girls!Instead of playing games to ‘catch’ your man, like making yourself seem in demand and therefore more desirable, think instead about treating your date/ boyfriend like there is no-one else like them, like they are the most important person to you.Make them laugh and give them a thoroughly enjoyable time so they will want more of your company.Don’t worship idols. If you just see a person as what they represent – wealth, good looks, status etc – then you are worshipping them as an object and denying them their real depth. If someone just saw you like this you would soon lose interest wouldn’t you?Don’t expect to agree on everything because that would be boring. Dating is not just about finding a partner with whom you have things in common but about showing someone your soul i.e. your values and beliefs. Finding out about the other person’s soul will be a lot more interesting anyway. Pray together, get involved in church together, go and visit an old relative together.Don’t try and put on a façade, that’s lying.Don’t try and change them. You are not perfect either so instead try and find someone who is perfect for you. The fact that neither of you are perfect actually means that you need each other and that you can make an invaluable contribution to one another’s life.Don’t play games like trying to make someone jealous, or appearing less interested than you really are – they will see through it and it will make you look shallow, if not nasty.Don’t just look for an equal partner, look for a soul-mate. Focus on what you lack rather than what you possess. Seek someone who is actually going to improve you as a person.Kate Orr
